Conflict Resolution

Disagreements. Arguments. Strained relationships. Estranged relationships. Let's face it, we have all experienced these things. As a third party we usually give advice. "Life is too short to stay mad." "Forget about them, you don't need them." The fact of the matter is these situations hurt. They hurt emotionally, spiritually and even physically. Whether you are the offender or offended doesn't really matter. What does really matter is our emotional, spiritual and physical health. In order to resolve these circumstances we have to understand a few things. Why do we hurt? Why do we offend? Why do we get offended?



Our pain is a result of being in the wrong climate. Take for example, penguins. Penguins thrive in the cold. They have been created to live in a cold climate. In their climate they multiply and are healthy. If I were to bring them here to Las Vegas they would all die off and quickly. It is the same with us. God created us perfect. Yes, I said perfect. We were to have perfect relationships. Our relationship with Him was to be perfect. Our relationships with others were to be perfect. However, we rebelled (sinned). We have changed our climate. Not only did God create us with a desire to worship but also a desire to relate to one another. When we felt something was missing in our lives we sought to fill the void. Some of us have permanently filled the void with Jesus. Others are trying to fill it with other stuff, in vain. All due to our predisposition to worship. We also are predisposed to have fulfilling relationships. When a relationship is strained it causes a similar void. This void is like a hungry stomach: it is uncomfortable, noisy and, yes, sometimes painful.



We offend people. That's right, we offend people. All too often we place the blame on others. "They are too sensitive." "Oh, put on your big boy pants." The truth of the matter is we say and do hurtful things. "I was just kidding", may stop the bleeding but it doesn't negate the wound. And, more times than not, we weren't just kidding; were we? We say and do hurtful things for two reasons. Either we are intentionally trying to cause damage or we have focused only on our desires regardless as to how they may affect others. One sounds less proactive than the other but both are sins. YES, I said sins. Disregarding others is just as sinful as purposely causing pain.



We are offended. Some of us like to say, "I am not easily offended." While it may be true that you are not easily offended you can still be offended. Many times it is our life's circumstances that dictate what does and does not offend us. A tough go of thing thins our skin. Pleasant times thicken it. Should it matter what our circumstances are? No. According to scripture, what can we expect from people? In Genesis 6:5 it says that man's heart is only wicked and evil. That is what we should expect. If we expect otherwise, we are foolish. On another note, why do we care. Should we not only care what our Lord thinks of us? Should we not only care how God is treating us? If we keep that perspective we will reduce our chances of being offended to nil. So, by caring what others think or do regarding ourselves, are we not placing our faith and desire for acceptance on wicked and evil creatures? And when we place either one of those on anything other than the Lord God Almighty are we not sinning? Yes, we are.



Now that we understand the source of these things, we can reduce the amount of relational drama in our lives. But, are we perfect? At last check I was not. As a matter of fact I am FAR from it. I expect to fail to keep the right perspective. I expect to offend someone. I expect to be offended. So does our loving God. See Satan loves it when we hate each other. He would prefer that we all isolate and insulate ourselves from one another. He enjoys it when we we behave contrary to the way God had intended. But our Lord has given us a process that, if followed correctly, not only repairs but actually invigorates relationships. When practiced, it actually ticks the devil off.



I encourage all to examine these passages: Matthew 18:15-17, Matthew 5:21-26, I Timothy 5:17-20.



The scriptures say that if we have been offended we are to go to our offender, one on one. All too often this very simple step is ignored. We seek to find an advocate. We stew in our anger. We isolate ourselves from the source of the offense. We even seek to isolate the offender from others. I have seen people just disappear from their church because they had been offended. They never even made the effort to reconcile, just left. In the overwhelming majority of situations the issue could be resolved in this step. Yet it is the one that is ignored the most. Why? It is uncomfortable. Confrontation is uncomfortable. However, would we rather spend a few moments in discomfort or weeks, months or years in anger, sorrow, pain or misery? Should we not be willing to sacrifice a short time of comfort in order to "gain a brother"? Or, for that matter, to please our Lord?



If step one doesn't resolve the problem then we take step two, not step three. The scripture says to then take two or three with you. Okay. Who should you bring? To determine this we should use wisdom. Set aside our selfish motives to promote reconciliation. That means we don't bring people that "got my back". We bring people that will promote peace and reconciliation. Ones that are willing to rebuke either on of you. Never make a determination that you are 100% correct and they need to see that. The purpose is to reconcile, not for them to concede. The Lord cares less if you were justified. He cares more that you "gained a brother". One misconception of this step is that the "two or three" are supposed to be witnesses of the offense. Not necessary. What they do need to be is mature believers with only the health of a God-ordained relationship in mind. It is also important that the one being confronted respects them. Otherwise they might reactively be defensive, as though they are being ganged up on. The objective is to create an environment that is the least intimidating as possible. One where they feel they have an advocate. Remember the desired end result is reconciliation.

If that still doesn't resolve the issue then it is brought before the church. This is very rare. Typically, if it cannot be resolved by step two the offender will usually leave on their own accord. They will have felt unwelcome. In this case, pray for that person and be satisfied that you took the proper steps with the desire for reconciliation in your heart. God will work on them. If they remain, then take it to the church. This step is up for interpretation. Do we bring them before the entire congregation? Do we bring them before the core group of leadership? I believe it is prudent to bring the situation before the elders of the church. Explain all that has occurred. Let them pray about it and act accordingly. They will talk to the offender and make a biblically sound decision. That decision may be to release the offender from membership, service, or in the rarest cases, worship. The last option should be set aside for one that is bent on dividing the church and heresy.

What if you offend someone or even think you might have? Well, the proper thing to do is to follow the Matthew chapter 5 model. In that passage it talks about bringing a gift to the altar. In our case that could be monetary, service, communion or worship. All these, Jesus says, are not pure if we believe we may have offended another of the body. He instructs us to search our hearts and reconcile with our brother before worshipping Him in any form. This is a good indicator as to how important this is to the Lord. And, let's face it, the previous three steps would not be necessary. Let us worship Him with a clean heart.

Finally, what if the offender is an elder? First Timothy 5:17 says that elders who rule well should receive double honor, the more so if they are pastors. They should be give the benefit of doubt. If one is to accuse an elder there must be substantial evidence. Why? These are the ones with the most on the line according to James 3:1. They should not be subject to accusations base upon rumor or anything unsubstantiated. They are to be held even more accountable to God and to the church. For First Timothy chapter five says that any guilty of sin shall be brought before all. It would be wise to not entertain accusations against an elder without prudent consideration. Remember that elders and pastors have been placed first by God, second by congregation.

I have seen variations of all these methods. I've seen mediators involved. I've experienced churches that believe only elders are eligible to be witnesses. I've seen steps skipped. I don't recommend varying from God's protocol. However, there is one common denominator to all the successful scenarios. In each successful experience the ones involved had a true and pure desire for reconciliation. A real love for their fellow believer. A passion for the health of God's church. If you find yourself in such a predicament act not until your heart is burdened with these. It would do you well to approach these with a positive perspective and a desire to please your God.

The Lord Bless Thee,

Marc